The Great American Suction Read online

  Additional Praise for

  The Great American Suction

  “In David Nutt’s luminous debut novel, the perennially put-upon protagonist’s existence consists of a daisy chain of half-baked calamities. A brain-damaged post-postmodern anti-hero, Shaker’s a not-so-innocent Josef K. for the culture that births precocious meth chefs and celebrity impersonator wannabes. Dystopian, and by that, I mean contemporary, this debut ratchets up the possibilities of prose with its stylistic virtuosity while laying bare the toxic underbelly of the garbage art crowd. If you’re a fan of David Ohle’s Motorman or Sam Lipsyte’s Venus Drive, The Great American Suction awaits you.”

  – Christopher Kennedy,

  author of Clues from the Animal Kingdom

  and Ennui Prophet

  Tyrant Books

  Via Piagge Marine 23

  Sezze (LT) 04018

  Italy

  www.NYTyrant.com

  ISBN: 978-0-9992186-3-1

  Copyright © 2018 David Nutt

  All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations in critical reviews and articles.

  This is a work of fiction and any similarity to persons living or dead is coincidental.

  First Edition

  Book design by Adam Robinson

  Cover design by Brent Bates

  The Great

  American Suction

  David Nutt

  For loved ones lost and living, strangers, enablers, foes, and friends.

  But mostly, mostly for Gina.

  Contents

  PART ONE

  Chapter 1.

  Chapter 2.

  Chapter 3.

  Chapter 4.

  Chapter 5.

  Chapter 6.

  Chapter 7.

  Chapter 8.

  PART TWO

  Chapter 9.

  Chapter 10.

  Chapter 11.

  Chapter 12.

  Chapter 13.

  Chapter 14.

  Chapter 15.

  Chapter 16.

  Chapter 17.

  Chapter 18.

  Acknowledgements

  PART ONE

  1.

  Morning has broken on Shaker’s pale sliver of the republic. He holds himself upright on the riding mower, his feet slotted in stirrups, racing the machine in wide swaths around the yard. His hair is blasted up, and his face feels rubbery in the hard wind. And the noise. All this machinery roaring into him. The rest of the yard crew is sculpting the topiary at a leisurely pace. The houses in this neighborhood are not upscale, but neither are they slums. Their windows are full of people—slurry shapes of them, whole congregations—watching Shaker and his cohort beautify their property for an insufficient wage. After completing each circuit, Shaker salutes the windows, but nobody ever salutes back. He’s wearing rounded, black sunglasses and a seasonal tan. When late autumn arrives and the grass stalls and the foliage is raked up and bagged and deported, Shaker will be unemployed until springtime. He’s in hoarding mode now. It makes him strangely reckless. Shaker is saluting every man, oak, pillar, and shrub on site.

  The cohort takes their lunch on the driveway’s sunbaked blacktop, standing against the company truck like homeless men in a police lineup. Shaker’s ears are ringing so loudly he can’t understand his coworkers’ conversation. He hears only mumbles and thrum but nods politely along. Finishing his tuna fish early, he kicks into the stirrups and waits there, patient, stationary in his machine, an orange pair of gun-range earmuffs clamped on his head, which continues nodding, still nodding, always nodding.

  *

  The Yarn Barn is not such a nuisance to Shaker. His only protest is there isn’t much barn in its appearance. And yet, Darb stands in front of the strip mall on his court-designated, three-foot-wide allotment of pitted sidewalk, the signboard leaned on his hip. Shaker has to tip his head sideways and squint to read this one. Unravel the Yarn Barn Conspiracy is inscribed in purple sharpie and shoe polish. Darb’s knotty fingers and the groin of his jumpsuit are likewise blotched. Shaker itches his own chin stubble. He tries to nod intelligently. His cousin nods back at him while sipping something cranberry-colored from a crumple of Styrofoam. The sidewalk area around him is inundated, all variety of litter.

  “It’s a reverse drive-thru,” Darb says. “They throw it at me, I abide. Just this morning, I got half a muffin sandwich, three French fry, and a melted Bomb Pop. They think they’re being uncivil, but I’m flattered. Dumb shits.”

  Shaker swivels his head, but there is no one else on the premises. Only his cousin, teasing out a long tangle of ear fuzz, adding, “Our kind is not to be trifled with.”

  Shaker nods at this, stretching a leg that knocks over Darb’s sign.

  “Don’t do that.”

  “I had a dream last night,” Shaker says.

  “How romantic.”

  “The dream was that I didn’t recognize myself.”

  “No?” Darb asks, only half-listening.

  “Like someone had glued another man’s face atop my face. Kinda freaky.”

  Shaker shrugs and shuffles in place. He realizes he’s still pawing his chin.

  “Let’s get uncorked,” Shaker says.

  “You treating?”

  “I am not.”

  “My funds are slumped. All my shoe polish is gone.”

  “I see that.”

  Among the detritus at Darb’s feet is a selection of empty cat food tins. Darb’s mouth is stained a mild brown. He follows Shaker’s gaze and grins. “Poppin’ ‘em open is like pulling a grenade pin. I use my teeth, heave ‘em overhand after I’m sated.”

  “Sounds dubious,” says Shaker.

  “I got a whole coupon book.”

  “Can we get any beers with it?”

  “It’s feeling more like a whipped cream afternoon. Suck aerosol and murder some brain cells. Relive our younger days.”

  Shaker chews his cheek. “My pantry has been bare a long time.”

  “I ain’t even got a pantry.”

  “Doris?” Shaker asks.

  “Think I’m allowed back in?”

  “Maybe if you keep on your belly and try not to upset the furniture.”

  “I can do that, all of that.”

  “Doris,” Shaker repeats, verifying his contribution to the day’s agenda.

  Darb offers him the last of the cranberry and fetches his signage from the dirt. “My baby,” he whispers, brushing the sign until it is clean.

  The cousins carry themselves against the loud tide of traffic to Doris’s meticulously maintained A-frame, which seems a direct reproach to the shoddiness her neighbors are cultivating in aluminum and junk. A longtime widow, Doris doesn’t stray much from the house anymore. But she lets all sorts of stray men inside. Ten years of sordid rumor and the woman has relaxed into the gothic reputation. She is sitting on the parlor room futon in only a towel and hair rollers, her bangs pinned up from the cream on her face, tiny blooms of cotton swab partitioning her toes.

  “Please and thank you,” Darb says, entering without a knock. Shaker follows him into the fog of toenail varnish, ammonia odors. “We have come to be creamed and whipped.”

  “Batten the hatches and nail down the credenza,” Doris replies.

  “That’s a hot look you’re wearing.”

  “Some men could love it.”

  “Imagine,” Darb grunts, down on his knees and pillaging the mini-fridge.

  “Shaker,” says Doris.

  “Ma’am?”

  “You are the gentleman your cousin will never allow himself to be trained to be.”

  “That makes him
sound like a circus bear.”

  “What’s so wrong with that?”

  “Look at the steep recession of that hair. He can’t be a bear if he’s bald.”

  Doris rolls her eyes. “Is that what passes for wit on your end of the island?”

  “What island?”

  “Don’t be a rube.”

  “Maybe I’m a rube,” Shaker shrugs.

  “My god, there isn’t much wet gray stuff left between your ears, is there? Maybe that’s what makes you such a gentleman.”

  “I’m not so gentle,” Shaker mumbles.

  “A torrid love affair might change that.”

  “She means fornication,” Darb says, head in the fridge.

  “Please don’t be despicable, darling.”

  “I’m not easily romanced, either,” says Shaker as he envisions his seduction: nude and unshaven on a motel bed, in the final throes of heart failure, a fit of stroke, while the maid staff gathers around the mattress debating how best to change the sheets.

  “I guess not,” Doris sighs. “You emanate that middling vibe no sane woman wants to mingle her chromosomes with.”

  Shaker nods.

  “Stop nodding,” she says. “I just insulted you.”

  “I’ve had it worse.”

  “Those seasonal employments of yours.”

  “Yards this month. I ride a giant machine.”

  “Dreadful.”

  “It keeps the dog in Purina.”

  “Shaker, you don’t have a dog.”

  “No,” he says. “I do not.”

  Voracious inhalation sounds are radiating from behind the open mini-fridge door, a portion of Darb’s scraggy scalp. Doris unscrews a jar of avocado skin ointment and begins rubbing it into her bunions.

  “The man who used to live across the way? He was another gentleman type, handsome, good build. Dumb as a poodle. One day, he left the house all spruced and spangled in a new suit and came home with a snub-nosed revolver, one of those little cutie-pie guns. You know the type?”

  “I know the type.”

  “He sprayed his brain gore all over the bath. Landlord said the cleanup required two bottles of Lysol and six rolls of paper towels. The rest flushed right down. Imagine, Shaker. Half a century of handsome life on this lame, flying rock, and all it takes to wipe it up is twenty bucks’ worth of custodial product.”

  Shaker resists the urge to nod. From his current vantage beside the window, Doris’s A-frame seems to be levitating. Shaker glances down and his vertigo stirs. He turns away from the window, turns to Doris and her mess of cosmetics, then Darb half-hidden in the mini-fridge, and finally to the mirror fastened with thumbtacks between two framed lithographs of children. Shaker doesn’t recognize the children. They are smudged and antique-looking and comfortably caramelized in an earlier, more patrician era. In the mirror, something seems to be wrong with Shaker’s face.

  “Eureka!” Darb announces, kicking shut the fridge and sauntering back to the futon, head tilted at the ceiling, a can of whipped cream balanced on his large frontal lobe.

  “Circus bear,” Shaker admits.

  Doris grins and takes careful aim at Darb’s head with her electric bang curler, unplugged. “They always waltz right into the crosshairs,” she says.

  *

  The frozen potpie has sat uneaten on the TV dinner tray in his TV-free den for hours. Shaker still can’t rally an appetite. He remains pickled from the afternoon fumigation. It has been years since his last suck or huff. Paints and polish, commercial glues, kerosene clumped with baby formula. Shaker very publically put it all up a nostril or into a lung at some point, and as a result he still enjoys VIP status at most retail hardware outlets in town. The methodology was elegant in its idiocy: absorb every industrial substance in the warehouse until the folds and ruts of his wrinkly prune brain had been ironed flat. Pause. Retch. Repeat. Only on occasion would Shaker find himself in a modest coma on some stranger’s rug—his mind purged, his pants at half-mast—attempting to piss a spectacular arc over the living room couch. That was the extent of his debauch. It seemed less a compromise of ideals than an exploration of what lay beneath those ideals in the first place.

  Shaker is loafing tonight on the rear porch he shares with the other half of his duplex. The sun has turned a weak blood color, and it can barely hold Shaker’s attention. A cold wind blows through the middle of his skull. Shaker imagines his tortured brain cells decamping from his head in deerskin canoes as he waves goodbye to the shrinking armada, the horizon so small it hurts. Dimming. He is dimming. Shaker wakes from the reverie and notices the Hooster girl is reclined in his foldable beach chair, her body bikini’d, some miniscule technology plugged into the sides of her head. Her eyes are cupped by ping-pong ball slices.

  “They have moved the sun to China for the evening,” he says. “Should be back sometime in April.”

  “You’re hovering like a cretin.”

  “This porch is shared.”

  “I’ve heard that,” the Hooster girl says.

  “That’s my beach chair your skinny bricks are sprawled in.”

  “It’s Mama’s chair. You sold it last winter.”

  “Leased,” Shaker says. “There’s a scrap of paper somewhere to that effect.”

  The girl lifts a ping-pong ball hemisphere and peers at Shaker, a suspicious skew in the look.

  “China maybe,” he adds.

  “Have you heard the new one?” she asks.

  “Specifics, please.”

  “The college station is playing it as a joke. They call it pop smear. Just dial-tone noise and drum machines. Certainly no ‘Drinker’s Elbow’ or ‘Do-Si-Do Polygamy,’ but it’s a real heart-squelcher, and she’s still our only local legend.”

  “I won’t listen to it.”

  “You been listening to it. We can hear the crackle and fuzz through the drywall.”

  “Oh.”

  “She was your wife.”

  Shaker flinches at the word.

  “Buy yourself a newer radio,” says the girl. “Lift some weights while you’re at it. Bulk up. Girls love a vain girth. Bench-press something.”

  “I found your mother’s Pilates mat hanging out of the trash last week. Seemed salvageable. Is there a videotape that goes with it? A TV? It might be nice having a TV again. What exactly is a Pilates?”

  “Gawd!!!” the girl near-shrieks.

  Shaker can only shrug. “I suffered a blitz of the interior today. A kind of lapse.”

  “Specifics, please,” she says in an adenoidal approximation of his voice that forces every muscle in Shaker’s face to slacken. Layers and layers of mournful flab.

  “Forget it.”

  “Everybody has a few laps in them,” says the girl behind her ping-pong balls again. “Then they peter out to shit. It happens. Mostly to cretins.”

  “You have missed my point.” Shaker knocks a bottle of tanning lotion with his foot, then stands several pensive minutes at the cusp of backyard, not admiring the stretch of bald dirt, not even looking at it. Just sort of tottering there.

  2.

  Saturday night has arrived, but Shaker can’t locate himself inside it. Instead, he feels stationed at the far rim, peering in with bland expression, wanting to hum but not. He is unmoored on these weekend evenings when his yard employment is paused, his silent apartment hollers at him, and the radio will only attract classical rhapsodies that for certain philosophic reasons Shaker cannot endorse. So once his freeze-dried dinner is digested and his teeth have been almost homicidally brushed, Shaker makes the short trudge to town. Main Road is a two-and-a-half-block stretch of pawnshop splendor anchored by a fried-chicken franchise that only operates between the hours of midnight and four, when the bars have released their stink-breathed denizens into the night and nobody can find the correct car to unlock. It’s a vivid scene: dozens of drunks leaned against their vehicles, jamming their keys in wrong holes with great experiment. But it’s not that hour yet. The bars are still brimming, a
nd Shaker enters the Regal Beagle. Only a few heads in here, token slumps of shoulder, a man prying his buck knife from the dartboard cork. Shaker bobs his head to the crenulated punk noise the juke is blaring. He takes a stool. The bartender, Tobin, holds a semi-clean glass under the establishment’s only functioning tap while Shaker does the stoic nod thing. He accepts the pint with a grunt and drains it in one or two parched gulps. Shaker feels good. He feels hoisted. He digs up his money for another round and finds his wallet is parched as well.

  “Shitsky,” Shaker says.

  “You okay, Shaker?”

  Shaker considers the question for a tense minute and quietly replies, “They’re putting the continents back together with scotch tape.”

  Tobin leans over the bar and examines the bare fold of fake leather in Shaker’s hands. “That is an enormous shame.”

  “Only a couple bucks. I’m good for it.”

  “The most you are good for, Shaker, is making the case for stricter birth control.”

  Shaker gives Tobin a pleading look.

  “No pleading,” Tobin says.

  “But I’m a buddy.”

  “I’m all booked up on buddies tonight. I’d rather redecorate my home with the staved-in skulls of deadbeats, assorted freeloaders, and other once-beautiful children.” Tobin leans towards Shaker and inquires, “What size are you around the neck?”

  Shaker tries to smile, but Tobin has already whistled for Howie “The Howitzer” Pulasko, a muscle-bloated bouncer overdone in salmon polo and unnaturally pleated khaki shorts that reveal too much tendon in the thigh. Shaker admires the sartorial boldness, but his own innards—all eighteen spools of them—are in recoil mode. The Howitzer has an arm around Shaker, who has an arm around his guts, trying to bucket them.

  “Shaker here thinks the Beagle has turned nonprofit,” says Tobin.

  Shaker nods and feels the arm around him, the room, the weight.

  “It’s a noble cause,” he says.

  “I’d pitch in a ten spot,” somebody grumbles, “to watch Howie dismantle him like one of them artificial Christmas trees.”

  The heads have gathered, and various voices agree. Scandalously, so does Shaker. “But I’d have to borrow the ten spot,” he shrugs.